0

3 Ways to Make a Better Bid for Connection

Take the guesswork out of connecting with your partner.

better bids

Dr. John Gottman calls bids the “fundamental unit of emotional connection.” They are the gestures between a couple that signal a need for attention. Bids can be verbal or nonverbal and include asking for anything from physical affection to help with a project. Here are 3 ways to make better bids for connection with your partner.

How well do you know your partner?

How to make a bid

The person who sends the bid desires to connect. Some bids are overt and obvious to the receiver. For example, if Sam tells Charlie, “Do you have a second? I need to run something by you,” that’s a clear bid. When Charlie initiates sex by winking and lightly massaging Sam’s thigh, that’s a very clear bid.

The more they both turn towards each other and respond to those bids, the more likely they are to send bids in the future. It’s a cyclical pattern that, when done correctly, makes the relationship happy and healthy.

Fuzzy bidding

Unfortunately, not all bids are created equal, and often the receiver will miss them by no fault of their own. If a bid is difficult to decipher, it may not elicit the response you want, because your partner does not understand what you’re asking for. Dr. John Gottman calls it “fuzzy bidding.”

There are ways to make a better bid for connection. Here are three tips that will clear up the fuzziness and get you and your partner to understand each other.

How to make a better bid

Use your words. Nonverbal bids are still bids and deserve recognition. That said, some people have difficulty reading gestures like a smile or flirty glance. The meaning behind silence is particularly hard to interpret. So, it’s important to speak up. If a labored sigh while washing the dishes doesn’t prompt your partner to lend a hand, ask them if they have time to help you dry. Get ahead of the situation by suggesting an arrangement where whoever cooks the meal gets the night off from loading the dishwasher. The point is, try to verbalize your bids in a way that your partner understands.

Ask for what you really need. Taking the previous step further, when making that verbal bid, be certain about exactly what you need in that moment. If you’ve had a hard day and need your partner to listen to you, say, “Today was a rough one. Can I tell you about it?” If you don’t want to talk about it, but just need some cuddle time on the couch, try saying exactly that. Help your partner take the guesswork out of responding to your bid.

Express your need as a positive. Turning against a bid is a relationship killer. However, one way this happens unintentionally is when the bid is wrapped up in the wrong package. Imagine missing your partner after a busy week of work and other responsibilities. However, instead of telling your partner that you miss them, you allow the hurt of the disconnection to come out in a critical statement (e.g., “You’re never home” or “I’m doing everything by myself around here”). What your partner hears is how they fall short, and their reaction could lead straight into conflict. That’s definitely not what you wanted. A better bid would be expressing a positive need (e.g., “I miss you. Can we schedule a date night?” or “It’s been a while since we had lunch together. Are you free next week?”). This type of bid requests an emotional connection with specifically what you want in a non-critical, judgment-free tone. 


The NEW Gottman Relationship Adviser takes the guesswork out of improving your relationship. Measure your relationship health with a research-based self-assessment, then receive a tailored digital plan proven to heal and strengthen your connection.

Share this post:

The Gottman Institute’s Editorial Team is composed of staff members who contribute to the Institute’s overall message. It is our mission to reach out to individuals, couples, and families in order to help create and maintain greater love and health in relationships.

Recommended products

$30.00

Improve your relationship in 30 days! Backed by over 50 years of research, the 30 Days to a Better Relationship challenge will help you reconnect with your partner and bring more positivity into your relationship. The tools and exercises, delivered once a day for 30 days by email, build on one another and take five minutes or less to complete.

 

Related posts

Same sex couple arguing at home. They are stuck in a conflict cycle of constant fighting.

Everything Turns Into an Argument: How to Break the Conflict Cycle

The Gottman Institute

When you fight constantly, and everything turns into an argument, it can feel hopeless. However, you can learn to break the ...

Read More

Couple in the kitchen distressed after another argument.

How Do Arguments Affect Relationships Over Time?

Terry Gaspard

Frequent arguments over time can create a lot of stress on a relationship. Learn how to break the conflict cycle by ...

Read More

Woman trying to get her partner to listen to her, but he is focused on his phone.

My Partner Doesn’t Listen To Me: How To Feel Heard In Your Relationship

The Gottman Institute

Learn the reasons partners stop listening and what it means for your relationship. Here are practical strategies for transforming your communication ...

Read More

The Grass is Greener Where You Water It

Kyle Benson

Building trust and commitment requires intentional effort. Here are fives ways to invest in your relationship. ...

Read More

A young couple is having a serious conversation as they plan their future together.

5 Premarital Conversations to Help You Sustain Love

Katie Golem

Engagement is such an exciting time, but you should have these five premarital conversations before you tie the knot. ...

Read More

Couple arguing with one partner rolling eyes- a sign of contempt according to Dr. John Gottman.

The Four Horsemen: Contempt

Ellie Lisitsa

Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It is the number one predictor of divorce, but it can be defeated. ...

Read More

Sign up for the email newsletter you are most interested in and start your Gottman journey today!