0

Overcoming Gridlock This Holiday Season

Gridlock. The word itself conjures up the image of sitting in your car for hours while traffic around you barely inches forward. The sound of incessant honking surrounds you as the frustration of being stuck when you have somewhere to be builds.

Couple feeling emotionally stuck.

That’s not the kind of gridlock I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is the emotional traffic jam that happens in a relationship which has all the same accompanying emotions and more –  feeling stuck, frustrated, or powerless. The holiday season is as good a time as any to reconsider how to approach gridlocked problems that arise in your relationship.

In Dr. Gottman’s New York Times bestselling book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he points out that 69% of conflicts in relationships are about unresolvable issues. You’d still have them even if you married someone else, they’d just be a different set of perpetual problems.

Relationship gridlock is a state in which your argument with your partner has come to a standstill because you both disagree on how to move forward. A couple can experience gridlock on any issue, and often the more gridlocked they are, the more gridlocked they become on other things as well.

Gridlock is difficult because it is often caused by our deepest dreams, desires and feelings being blocked. I’ve seen couples come to a standstill on topics such as how to raise kids, practicing a certain faith, or taking a new job. Overcoming gridlock this holiday season is the best gift you can give your relationship.

What To Do When You Feel Stuck

Ironically, gridlock is an opportunity. I know it feels terrible in the moment, but it actually can create an opportunity for you to better understand your partner and become closer to them. Here are some exercises you can do to help move you out of a complete standstill.

1. Empathize with your partner.
As difficult as it might be, try to ask them details about their point of view. Chances are there is a story behind their desires. Find out their story, listen carefully, and empathize.

2. Be respectful.
You don’t have to understand or agree with your partner’s perspective, but it’s important to accept it. Saying “Well, your way of celebrating Christmas is crazy” will alienate your partner and possibly prevent further discussion. Being respectful is a choice and helps define the kind of partner you want to be.

3. Make temporary compromises.
Dr. Gottman’s research shows that you don’t need to and probably won’t solve your problem.  Chances are you will keep talking about these issues for decades. The trick is to get accustomed to talking to each other in a particular way that allows you to find common ground and to make temporary compromises.

4. Recall the honeymoon phase.
Remember when you first met and traded stories over dinner? You laughed together and shared personal details. You weren’t trying to change one another; you were celebrating the new person that you just met. Get back into that mindset this season. When your partner suggests an idea, recall what you may have said during the first few dates and try saying something similar. Be open to suggestions!

How well do you know your partner?

Finding a Middle Ground

Unresolvable issues are inevitable since we are growing and changing as people. As uncomfortable as it is to disagree with your partner, it is part of the deal when you decide to be with another person. Psychologist Dan Wile says it best in his book After the Honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.” They will change over the years, and while it might sound scary, it is also a chance to deepen your connection and to continue to get to know one another better over time.

A good compromise does require two people to have self-respect and respect for their partner. Everyone has values and dreams, but you can still find some common ground. Dr. Gottman calls this the “flexible area.” Perhaps you don’t want your kids to practice your partner’s faith as children, but maybe you are OK with them celebrating the holidays, with the caveat that they will choose for themselves when they’re old enough. Perhaps you want a dog and your partner doesn’t, so you might agree to cover the costs of taking care of the dog.

You don’t need to change your mind for your partner or act in ways that don’t make sense for you, but you do have to be nice to one another and to allow each other to grow. The alternative is akin to being stuck in traffic for a long, long time.

Yielding to Win

One of the most powerful ideas related to relationship gridlock is the concept of yielding . To yield is to summon your best self and offer your partner grace and acceptance. Yielding requires emotional intelligence and love for your partner, but it works because your partner is more likely to see your kindness and return the favor. Saying “yes” is an act of faith and a decision to move forward in your relationship instead of staying stuck.

Overcoming Gridlock This Holiday Season

Remember, it is by your side that your partner wants to grow. You are co-creators of your lives together. Allowing room for both partners to be happy during the holidays will breathe new life into every part of your bond, your friendship, and your romance throughout the year.

Share this post:

Sanaa Hyder is a psychotherapist practicing in New York City. She is a writer, gives talks on relationships, and presents the Seven Principles Program for couples. To learn more about her, visit her website.

Recommended products

Original price was: $199.00.Current price is: $149.00.

Now on Sale! Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s Art & Science of Love couples workshop is available online for you and your partner to take together from the comfort of your own home.

You and your partner will learn how to foster respect, affection, and closeness in your relationship. You will build and share a deeper connection with each other. You’ll learn how to keep conflict discussions calm, how to break through conflicted gridlock, and how to strengthen and maintain the gains in your relationship

Related posts

A couple embracing, sharing an emotional connection.

The Difference Between Love and Emotional Connection

Kendra Han

The difference between love and emotional connection can be the difference between a happy and unhappy relationship.

Read More

A couple engaged in healthy communication deepening their connection using Gottman strategies.

How to Communicate Better with Your Partner: Tips to Enhance Your Relationship

The Gottman Institute

Learning how to communicate better with your partner will lead to deeper connection and a more fulfilling relationship.

Read More

The Dog Biscuit Theory of Marriage

Cheryl Fraser

Fight the negativity bias, and praise the good in your partner and their actions to create a positive dynamic in your relationship.

Read More

A couple working together on their finances with open communication and transparency.

Financial Infidelity Can Put Your Relationship At Risk

Terry Gaspard

Financial infidelity can be as harmful to your relationship as other kinds of betrayal. Are there secrets about money in your relationship?

Read More

A couple avoiding conflict and not talking.

Overcoming the Fear of Confrontation in Relationships: How Conflict Can Impact Your Bond

The Gottman Institute

Fear of confrontation is a common reason for conflict avoidance in your relationship. However, when you can use strategies to have healthy confrontations, your relationship will improve dramatically.

Read More

A couple engaging in healthy communication to improve their relationship.

10 Communication Exercises for Couples to Have Better Relationships

The Gottman Institute

Discover 10 effective communication exercises designed for couples to strengthen relationships and marriages. These practical, expert-backed strategies help couples connect, understand, and communicate more effectively.

Read More

Improve your Relationship Skills with our Free Newsletters
0