Yesterday I had a marital mishap. As I tell the couples I work with in my online programs, I too am human, and I too make mistakes. One of them is falling into a critical thinking pattern that leaves my mind searching for everything my husband is doing wrong. Does this sound familiar to any of you?
I’ve been working extra hard this month, as it is the time this year I am teaching my free couples workshops. That means I am a bit tired from all the joyful yet demanding extra filming and live masterclasses I’m creating. The problem is that when I’m being highly creative I have a tendency to obsessively focus on trivial things that interrupt my flow – and then get stressed out about them. So here’s what happened. I came downstairs from my office to grab a quick snack. Banana and almond butter – perfect. But when I opened the door to the cabinet under the sink to toss my banana peel in the compost I was assaulted by the smell of sharp, raw, onion. Then I heard the judgmental mind think “Oh for goodness’ sake. Can’t he EVER remember to take the stinky onion compost outside rather than letting it pollute the whole house?!” Unfortunately, it didn’t end there.
As you’ll hear in this video, the human mind has an inherent negativity bias.If we are not careful, this can hijack our best intentions and create a false reality where our partner is the agent of our misery. Our focus on what’s wrong will build upon itself and if we are not careful, we may believe the biased story. The good news is there is a fairly simple yet powerful antidote to this painful pattern. I call it the Dog Biscuit Theory of Marriage.
How to Train a Puppy
My puppy Quill, who you met in the video, really wants to please. Despite this, she sometimes makes a mess. For example, just now she grabbed a tee shirt from the floor of my husband’s closet and dragged it into her dog bed to chew on. Now, to be clear, the shirt was lying right next to the laundry basket. As in, not IN the laundry basket. So what do I do?
When it comes to the dog, I take this as a teaching moment. I gently ask Quill to release the shirt. When she does, I praise her. I do not punish her or criticize her for her shirt thieving behavior. Instead, I reward her for what she is doing right. I am kind and patient, and she is curious and happy to learn. And it works. This little dog quickly learns what is expected of her and she begins to do the right thing.
When it comes to my sweet husband, however…
I think “well if he had tossed his dirty tee shirt in the laundry basket the way he should have, the dog wouldn’t have snatched it!” And in this moment, I realize I am often kinder to the dog than I am to the man I love.
Negativity Bias and Your Relationship (Un) Happiness
So what is this negativity bias I mentioned earlier? According to cognitive science – and our own lived experience – the human mind tends to look for things that are perceived to be wrong, out of place, or different. The mind tends to pay more attention to negative or unwanted information than it does to positive or welcome information.
Now here’s the thing. It’s not your fault that your mind does this automatically. It is a survival mechanism. Our cave ancestors only stayed alive by scanning the environment for what was wrong (and what could eat them), not by pausing to enjoy the color of the wildflowers. This tendency of the human mind to look for anomalies is a terrific and helpful quality when you are reviewing your tax return or following a detailed recipe for an elaborately spiced dish. But it can be destructive to your relationship.
As the old adage states, seek and ye shall find. So once you notice one thing your partner “did wrong” you may cascade into a litany of mind complaints. Let’s go back to Cheryl and the onion. My mind had a negative reaction to a single small perceived annoyance – stinky compost. But then the mind started seeking other examples of how my husband fails me. I discovered the dryer packed with partially dried clothes that were beginning to smell mildewy. “How many times have I told him he needs to run this old dryer twice?” groused the mind. Then “I am so tired of telling him the same thing over and over” and so on.
This negative cascade is not trivial. In my case, it affected my physiology. I felt some unpleasant tightness and anxious jitters. My state of mind was also changed – I felt overwhelmed, annoyed, and a bit sad. Worst of all, a story about how my partner is not reliable and I have to micromanage everything myself started to bloom. As this fictional story grew my heart began to close and I felt disconnected from my beloved partner.
How to Train your Mind
Now none of us are perfect, and indeed sometimes we – or our partner – makes mistakes. But I want you to really think about the following. Does your partner make you unhappy, or does your mind make you unhappy? I mean, really Cheryl, does an onion skin in the compost need to ruin my day?
Of course it doesn’t.
The great thing about the mind is that, not unlike a puppy, it can be trained. Once we become aware of a negative story, we can rewrite it. Sure, my marriage includes misplaced onions, towels, and shirts on the floor. Like a prosecuting lawyer wanting to prove guilt, the negativity bias says “he is so forgetful and thoughtless, let’s look for more examples to justify this case!”
Luckily, my positive, reasonable defense lawyer says “wait a minute. Look at all this disconfirming evidence, Cheryl.” And so I did. I deliberately and mindfully began to look at the bigger picture. I looked for things he did right that day. He’d made a beautiful lunch for us (hence the onion peel), he’d taken both dogs for a morning walk (because I was filming videos), and then he gave me a warm hug. There were so many examples of his kind and thoughtful behavior. So which story is true? Is he a loving hubby who supports me deeply or a selfish forgetful guy who disregards my needs?
Rewrite your Love Story
Here are the steps I took to change my story from negative and critical to positive and grateful.
- Catch the Negative Thought – I caught the negative story by being mindful. I felt a flash of annoyance, and then the quick building of the negative story, and the ensuing shift in my mood and body.
- Make a Different Choice – Negativity feels terrible. Once I noticed the pattern, I took a pause and decided to counteract the downhill cascade (Believe me, with practice you can get good at this too).
- Rewrite the Story – I then deliberately chose to seek examples of my husband being kind, thoughtful, supportive, funny, or sweet and focus on those. Of course there are plenty!
- Reward Yourself – Behavior change is difficult. When I deliberately rewrote the story to a positive one, I felt better – more calm, more happy and more loving. This is a reward in and of itself. But positive reinforcement works! So in addition to enjoying the good feelings, I deliberately noted “Hey, good job, Cheryl”!
Of course I am not saying that you should ignore the substantial problems in your relationship and simply rewrite them by looking for the good things. Not at all. I am speaking here about choosing to train your mind away from focusing on insignificant issues that can plague your mind. This is important because these small negativities can build up and really make you miserable. This hurts you, your partner, and the relationship.
How to Practice the Dog Biscuit Theory of Marriage
When Quill the puppy does something I don’t desire – she tries to jump up and place her paws on me – I ignore her. That’s right. I don’t say “no” or “stop it” or push her away. Why? Because I am practicing positive reinforcement training. If I react to the unwanted behavior I inadvertently reinforce it. In Quill’s experience, me gently shoving her down when she jumps up on me means she got attention. So I ignore what I don’t want – and I look carefully for behaviors I do want. As soon as she sits quietly rather than jumping up, I say “Good Girl!” and give her a yummy dog biscuit. So she gets attention and rewards when she does things I want her to do.
Now, we all know our spouse is a far more complex being than a puppy, but the principles of behavior change remain the same. When you give attention to what you want and reward it, that behavior tends to increase. Conversely, when we complain about behavior we dislike, it rarely goes away.
Beware of Fault Finding and Criticism
Yes, sharing a life with another complex human being can be challenging. We are very different people. But I want you to be aware of how much misery is caused when we focus on the things we do not like. It hurts you, and it hurts your spouse. Negative sentiment override is not only a very painful experience, it is also a predictor of divorce.
Look for What’s Right
I need to pay attention to Quill and catch her being good. For example, when I walk in the door, if she keeps all four feet on the floor instead of jumping up on me to say hello I need to notice that.
Reward that Behavior
Four feet on the floor? Great! I bend down and praise and pet her enthusiastically. This reinforces the desired behavior and increases the likelihood it will gradually become the new and dominant pattern.
Repeat!
Simple Action Steps Toward Happiness and Harmony (Dog Biscuits for Humans)
Share Appreciations
This is my favorite Gottman exercise. Tell your partner one thing you appreciate about them. Make it specific and describe why you appreciate this so much. Right now the couples in my program – and my husband and I! – are in the midst of a 30-day appreciation challenge. It feels so good to deliberately give these dog biscuits every day.
Say Thank You
Acknowledge the daily moments of kindness or support. I just thanked my sweetheart for the steaming mug of hot chocolate he placed next to me while I write.
Make Small Gestures
Leave a welcome note on the door, when you are grocery shopping and notice those hard to find wasabi almonds your sweetheart loves and toss them in the cart, cultivate moments of kindness.
Rewrite the Story
As you’ve learned here, you are the author. You can move from a negative cascade towards a more positive, kind, and fair narrative. Take this on as a training exercise. Right now, take a small annoyance from today and rewrite it – and notice how that feels.
Be Kind and Patient
Do this with yourself and with your partner. Change takes time. The couples in my online program spend months with me practicing and revising and improving these and many other skills.
I’m a realist. I know my hubby will likely continue to leave smelly compost under the sink a reasonable amount of the time – his ADD makes him poor with details, no matter how many reminder notes he leaves for himself. But I also know he is a kind and generous partner and I am very lucky to share this life with him. So when that pesky negativity bias starts hollering at me, I see it for what it is.
Then I rewrite the story, and I rewrite my heart.
